Nicholas, my younger brother, and I had a fight yesterday.
It was more like a disagreement.
Actually, it was a whole day full of miscommunication. It was as if we each spoke a different language all day long. It was like we each were talking while having a mouthful of chocolate chip cookies, and also having bags over our heads. So neither our ears nor our mouths were functioning well.
It was really odd as we usually communicate well.
We grew up with an emphasis on both speaking well and listening well. I remember Mom and Dad telling Nicholas to “use your words” so many times when he was a child. They say they used that phrase on me just as often. Nicholas has often asked why most grownups use that phrase on children and then stop asking it when people get older. At what age do people no longer need to be reminded to use their words? Is it at 10 years old, 15, 20, 30, 60? He says that he never hears grownups reminding each other to “use your words.” He finds this to be very perplexing.
Nicholas thinks that all of us need to be taught to speak well and to listen well, and that we all need to be constantly reminded to use our words. So often we just grunt or role our eyes, or use a body position or speak in short hand. You get the idea. Nicholas says that learning how to speak clearly and meaningfully and completely would be much better than using any of these other ways.
Usually he and I do this but not yesterday! So earlier today Nicholas and I sat down, read some books on the topic, and then talked about what it takes for people to speak well. Here is what we came up with.
There are different types of talk, and they each have a correct time for being used. They also all have incorrect times for being used. The first type is small talk. This is our normal way of keeping a conversation very safe and not including anything that can cause conflict. When we meet someone new or just want to chat with someone who we know, this style is very useful. Small talk includes talking about what you did today, movies or TV shows you saw, video games you played, food you ate, plans for tomorrow, and thoughts about anything that doesn’t include strong feelings or possible disagreements. The whole idea about small talk is to keep the situation pleasant and easy going. Small talk doesn’t work well when trying to discuss important issues or differences of opinion.
Next is control talk. This is when one person tries to tell another what they should do, what is best for them, or what they should think or feel. The underlying message is that I know better than you do and you need to follow my lead. Sometimes this is necessary like when Nicholas is about to do something that might get him into trouble or when he is just not thinking right. He can’t put his hand into a fire, or try to fly, or play ball in the house without something going wrong. Control talk doesn’t work well when one person is overwhelmed by emotions or is trying to get his/her own way regardless of the effect on others. It also doesn’t work when trying to really communicate or when trying to problem solve with another.
Search talk is the third style of talk. With search talk you try to ask questions in order to find out what someone else is really trying to say, what they truly mean and how they feel. You become a good possibility detective, and put the clues together in order to understand what is really going on in the inner world of another person. This style is helpful so often.
The fourth style is straight talk. This style goes where the other styles don’t dare to go. While staying in the present moment and using the pronoun “I”, straight talk attempts to focus on what is going on for you, on your being as real as you dare. It successfully occurs when the situation is set so that no one is trying to attack the other. Consequently, each person can be as open as possible. Straight talk is based on trust and may not be as useful when a trusting and open situation isn’t happening. All parties in the discussion need to be playing the same straight talk game (playing by the same rules) for it to really work.
With these four styles in mind “using your words” becomes a matter of deciding which style is appropriate, and then having the skill that is necessary in order to use each of these four styles. Nicholas says that we all must learn and continually practice “using our words”, and that understanding the four styles of talk and knowing when they are useful/appropriate is vital for people of all ages.
What do you think? Which styles do you do well already? Which do you need to practice? If you want to hear more about this please let me know, as I am sure that Nicholas has more to say on the issue. He always does.
As always- Gita ( Dr. Neal Klein writes under the alias of Gita. If you like this blog consider reading his others.)
Dr. Neal Klein is an esteemed author, professor, dance professional, and co-founder of the Possibility Detectives.
